


Watching Videos

by geri_chan



Series: Always [17]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-07 18:40:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3179012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geri_chan/pseuds/geri_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The further adventures of Snape and Lupin at the love hotel. (More silliness than smut!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watching Videos

**Author's Note:**

> Originally archived on Ink Stained Fingers on 09/15/08.
> 
> Special thanks to myene_01, who not only suggested the title of the video, but [came up with the porn names](http://geri-chan.livejournal.com/21573.html?thread=65605#t65605) for most of the characters as well! ^_^ I wasn't quite as creative, so the silly but non-smutty names are mine.

When Snape received an invitation to a Potions symposium in Japan, he jumped at the chance--not just because he was interested in learning more about Asian Potions theory, but because he secretly wanted an excuse to go back to the love hotel again. It was quite silly, since he and Lupin had a healthy sex life, and had no problems with making love in the comfort of their bedroom at home (or occasionally in Lupin's office or on the Astronomy Tower when they wanted to spice things up a little), but there was something especially exciting about running off to a foreign country specifically for the purpose of having sex.

Lupin certainly didn't hesitate when Snape casually asked if he wanted to come along. "I already had the Portkey recharged after our last visit," he said with a grin. "Let's call ahead and see if we can reserve the same room."

"I'm sure they're all exactly the same, Lupin," Snape replied. "But if it appeals to your sense of Gryffindor sentimentality, by all means, let's reserve the same room."

Lupin's grin grew a little wider, and he said, "Actually, they're not all the same." He went over to his desk and rummaged through the drawer until he found a small brochure printed in Japanese. "The room we had was actually one of the plainer, more utilitarian models. There are other rooms that have special themes."

"Themes?" Snape asked, a puzzled frown creasing his brow.

"Yes," Lupin replied, flipping through the brochure. "You can request a room decorated like a princess's bower or a sultan's bedchamber, or you could go for a more futuristic sci-fi theme." He winked at Snape. "There's even a special dungeon room, complete with whips and chains for you Slytherin types."

"Thank you, but I think I shall decline the latter," Snape said dryly. "You Gryffindors have rather exaggeratedly lurid ideas about what goes on in the dungeon."

"Well, now that I'm living in the Hogwarts dungeons with you, I must admit that I'm a little disappointed that I haven't seen any orgies going on," Lupin laughed, and Snape rolled his eyes.

***

A few weeks later, they went to Japan, and Snape spent a pleasant day with his Japanese colleagues, discussing the differences between Asian and Western herblore, and there was also an interesting though controversial presentation on combining Muggle medicine with traditional healing potions. The ensuing debate was just as interesting as the presentation itself.  
  
After the symposium was over, Snape relaxed and made small talk with his colleagues over a cup of sake, before politely excusing himself to meet his "partner". His friend Professor Kamiyama, who was aware of his relationship with Lupin, gave him a knowing smile and said, "Please give my regards to Remus."  
  
Lupin had little aptitude or interest in Potions, so he had gone to a Muggle event called an "anime convention," which happened to be taking place in Tokyo at the same time as Snape's symposium. It had something to do with the Japanese comics and cartoons that Lupin was so fond of--an unfortunate habit that he had picked up from Kamiyama's grandchildren. Still, Snape supposed that it was a relatively harmless vice, and he was glad that Lupin had found something to keep himself entertained while Snape was busy.  
  
They had arranged to meet at a sushi restaurant for dinner in the magical section of Tokyo, and Lupin certainly looked happy when he arrived a few minutes after Snape did, with several colorful badges decorated with the images of cartoon characters pinned to his jacket. (He'd had to wear Muggle clothing, since he was attending a Muggle event, although Snape noticed that many of the Japanese wizards tended to dress in Muggle clothes instead of robes or kimono.)  
  
"I had a wonderful time, Severus!" Lupin enthused, holding up a large shopping bag filled with comic books and videos and Merlin knew what else. "There were lots of people dressed up in costume as their favorite characters--maybe next time, I'll dress up, too! And I found some nice souvenirs to take back home." He reached into the bag and fished out a keychain, from which dangled a small plush animal that looked like an odd but cuddly cross between a cat and an owl. "Oh, and I thought Minerva might like this one." He held up a small plush black cat with a red scarf tied around its neck.

"That's all very nice, Lupin," Snape said patiently. "But could you put away your toys while we have dinner?"  
  
Lupin took out his wand and shrank down the bag, then slipped it into his pocket. The other diners in the restaurant gave him a look of only mild curiosity; it was not so much the magic but the method that was surprising. The Japanese tended to use chants and gestures or spell-scrolls rather than wands to work their magic--or maybe it was merely the sight of two foreigners that was a novel event.  
  
The chef recommended the o-toro, or fatty tuna, saying that he had just gotten in a very nice piece. It was a highly prized delicacy in Japan, and correspondingly expensive, but well worth the price, as the fish was so tender that it practically melted on their tongues with no need for chewing. They also had some of the regular maguro, or tuna, which was still very tasty, and some ebi (shrimp), tamago (egg), and ika (squid) sushi. The latter made Snape smile as he chewed, thinking of the giant Squid in the lake at Hogwarts.  
  
Afterwards, feeling pleasantly full but not overly stuffed, they headed over to the love hotel, where they were greeted by the same maid they had met on their first visit--or possibly another that was identical to her. In order to respect their customers' privacy, the hotel used a special type of ofuda, or spell-scroll, in place of human employees. Essentially, the maid standing in front of them was a paper doll enchanted to look like a very beautiful kimono-clad woman.  
  
"Welcome back, sirs," she said in a sweet, musical voice as she bowed respectfully towards them. "It is good to see you again."  
  
"It's good to be back," Lupin said with a smile. "And it's nice to see you again, er...I'm embarrassed to say that I never asked your name. You are the same maid who waited on us during our last stay here, aren't you?"  
  
"I am," the maid replied serenely, bowing again. "Names are not necessary for us, but you may call me 'Hana' if you wish."  
  
"What a pretty name," Lupin said pleasantly. "Hana" meant both "flower" and "nose" in Japanese, depending on how the kanji was written. Lupin was assuming that the maid was named after the former rather than the latter, and Snape supposed that it was unlikely that the doll would be named "Nose," unless her master had an odd sense of humor. If Sirius Black had owned the hotel, then Snape might have suspected a pun making fun of his own oversized proboscis.  
  
"It's nice to see you again, Hana," Lupin continued, and Snape repressed a snort. Trust Lupin to observe the social niceties even with a paper doll!  
  
But perhaps Hana was more sentient than one would imagine a paper doll to be, because she looked a little bemused by Lupin's friendliness for a moment before her features smoothed back into a professional smile once again.  
  
"Thank you, sir," Hana replied smoothly. "Allow me to escort you to your room."  
  
The hotel had complied with Lupin's special request, and Hana led them to the same room that they had used during their last visit. "Although we could choose the princess room next time if you prefer," Lupin teased.  
  
"How about the dungeon?" Snape retorted.  
  
"Seemed like a waste of money, since we already have one back home," Lupin replied without missing a beat, and Snape had to laugh.  
  
"That's true," he conceded.  
  
Since this was their second visit, Hana did not bother to explain about the special features of the room again, like the panel on the ceiling that slid back to reveal a large mirror above the bed, or the sex toys in the nightstand drawer. She did remind them to ring the small silver bell sitting on the nightstand if they had any requests, then bowed gracefully and excused herself, closing the door quietly behind her.  
  
Initially, Snape had not been impressed with the "amenities" of the room, preferring their lovemaking to involve only his and Lupin's bodies, without any extra accessories or frills. However, he had later decided that a little creativity would not be amiss after an experiment involving chocolate sauce and whipped cream from the minibar had proved successful. So he was in a slightly more mellow and open-minded mood tonight.  
  
Apparently Lupin was, too, because he grinned and asked, "Are you feeling adventurous tonight, Severus?"  
  
"I am if you are, Lupin," Snape replied. "What did you have in mind?"  
  
"Well, I thought perhaps we could check out the videos," Lupin admitted. "Not that I ever have or ever would desire any man other than you, my love," he added hastily. "But purely out of curiosity..."  
  
"Fine, then," Snape said. "Let us peruse the collection for the sake of intellectual research."  
  
They began looking through the videos; Lupin selected one at random--it was titled "Lesbian Lovers," and the cover had a picture of two scantily-clad young women entwined in a very suggestive embrace.  
  
"No," Snape said firmly. "Not even for the sake of intellectual research."  
  
"It's not suited to my tastes, either," Lupin chuckled, setting the video aside. "Let's see, I'm sure I saw some gay porn in here the last time..." He sorted through the videos, setting aside the ones that were obviously designed to appeal to heterosexual men. They were left with an interesting assortment of videos, some obviously Japanese-made, and others that seemed to be Western-made.  
  
"Hmm, this one's an animated film," Lupin said, raising an eyebrow as he translated the title into English. "It's called 'My Sexual Harassment'. It seems to be about a young businessman who sleeps his way up the corporate ladder."  
  
Snape snorted disdainfully. "I am not watching cartoon porn, Lupin!"  
  
"You certainly are picky, Severus," Lupin said with a smile. "Ah, this sounds promising: 'Tales of Samurai Love'."  
  
"Historical porn," Snape murmured, looking somewhat bemused. "Well, that has potential. What else is there?"  
  
"Some sort of bondage movie that looks like it was filmed in your dungeon, Severus..."  
  
"Very funny, Lupin," Snape retorted sarcastically.  
  
"And..." Lupin's eyes widened in surprise when he picked up the next video. "Is this some kind of joke?!"  
  
"What is it?" Snape asked curiously. In response, Lupin held up the video so that Snape could read the title: "Orgy of the Phoenix".  
  
"You have got to be kidding me!" Snape exclaimed. "It can't possibly be about the Order...can it?"  
  
"There's only one way to find out," Lupin replied, and popped the video into the player. The first scene opened in what might have been a filmmaker's imagining of Grimmauld Place--a gloomy-looking but luxurious mansion, although the real thing had been rather more dusty and in disrepair.  
  
The members of the Order were seated around a large round wooden table that looked like it might have been borrowed from the set of a King Arthur movie. A white-bearded wizard dressed in purple, rhinestone-covered robes was presiding over the meeting--presumably he was supposed to be Dumbledore, although the other actors addressed him as "Professor Bumblybore" or "Elvis," causing Lupin to snicker.  
  
Snape noticed that the film was apparently a British production, since everyone spoke English, although there were Japanese subtitles running across the bottom of the screen, which was a little distracting. Also, the actors were all caucasian except for the one playing Kingsley Shacklebolt, although his last name had been changed to "Shackledtobed" in the movie. The actor was a pretty close match to the real thing, but instead of wearing a gold ring in his left ear, the movie-Kingsley wore one in his nose--as well as each of his nipples, as was revealed when his loose robes fell open to reveal his bare chest.  A young, buxom, purple-haired witch simpered at him and licked her lips. She was dressed in thin, nearly transparent silk robes that made it obvious she was not wearing any underwear beneath them.  
  
"Nymphomania Tonks, pay attention!" another witch snapped sternly. "We are discussing life and death matters here!" She wore glasses perched on the end of her nose, and beneath her pointed witch's hat, her hair was pulled back in a tight bun.  
  
"I think that's supposed to be Minerva," Lupin chuckled.  
  
"If you say so," Snape replied doubtfully. There was a passing resemblance, but the porn-McGonagall was at least three decades younger, and wore robes that were cut low in the front to reveal an ample amount of cleavage, and slit high on the sides to reveal very long and shapely legs. She crossed and uncrossed them several times to give the admiring male Order members a better view--and also exposing that she was not wearing any underwear beneath her robes, either.  
  
"I'll never be able to look at McGonagall the same way again," Snape groaned, covering his eyes with one hand.  
  
Lupin pulled his hand away and chided, "Intellectual research, remember?"  
  
"When do we get to the gay sex part?" Snape grumbled.  
  
Meanwhile, Bumblybore was chuckling, "Now, now, Minnie, let's not be so hard on poor Nymphomania."  
  
"Oh, I don't mind certain things being _hard_ ," Nymphomania purred as she continued to drool over Shackledtobed.  
  
"Can we just get on with the meeting, Elvis?" a wizard asked impatiently. The spinning, artificial eye strapped onto his face marked him as Mad-Eye Moody's double. However, movie-Moody's eye did more than spin in its socket--it actually flew up off Moody's face like a Snitch, and tried to sneak a peek under Nymphomania's skirts. Why, Snape wasn't sure, since all her assets were pretty much on display already. Nymphomania squealed and zapped the roving eye with a hex, and it wobbled back to Moody, looking slightly scorched.  
  
A high-pitched voice giggled, but it came from a young man, not a woman. Judging by the tousled dark hair, glasses, and lightning-bolt scar on his forehead, he was meant to be Harry Potter. Of course, Snape had never seen the real Potter wearing skin-tight leather trousers and a black mesh t-shirt, nor had he ever seen him simper as girlishly as the movie-Tonks. Sitting on one side of him was a ginger-haired young man who was a good deal more muscular and handsome than the real Ron Weasley. He was dressed in a school uniform, but his shirt was unbuttoned down to his waist, his loosely-knotted Gryffindor tie hanging down across his bare chest, and his trousers rested almost obscenely low on his hips, a thin trail of red hair running from just beneath his belly button down beneath his trousers, practically pointing towards his crotch like a flaming arrow. Movie-Potter's gaze followed that arrow, and he licked his lips lasciviously.  
  
"Well, I guess we're getting to the gay sex part," Lupin observed.  
  
"I feel ill," Snape muttered disgustedly. "Watching my students have sex with each other is not one of my fantasies, Lupin."  
  
"But they're not really our students," Lupin pointed out in a cheerful voice. "And if it makes you feel any better, this disclaimer on the video cover says that all of the actors are over the age of eighteen."  
  
It didn't really make him feel any better, but the camera was panning away to reveal the person sitting on Potter's other side. A girl with a mass of long, curly brown hair was dressed in what remotely resembled a Hogwarts school uniform: black robes left open to reveal a white shirt that was two sizes too small and unbuttoned halfway to let the girl's cleavage spill out and threaten to burst free from the cloth, and a skirt so short that it just barely covered her crotch.  
  
"Now I really am going to be sick," Snape groaned.  
  
Movie-Granger raised her hand--incidentally causing the cloth of her shirt to strain even further against her breasts--and asked primly, "May we hear Professor Spank's report now, Headmaster?"  
  
"You're such a teacher's pet, Hermoanie," a young red-haired man mocked, but it was not Ron Weasley. Presumably it was one of his twin brothers, since an identical-looking red-haired man sat beside him.  
  
Hermoanie stuck her tongue out at him and said, "You're just jealous, Gred, because you failed all your classes!"  
  
"I'm Forge, not Gred," the young man retorted. "And I can think of a lot more interesting things you can do with your tongue than that!"  
  
"Oh?" Hermoanie asked coolly, giving him a speculative look. "Perhaps later I'll take you up on that offer and see how...creative...you can be."  
  
Gred grinned and chimed in, "We have some interesting toys that you could help us test..."  
  
"Toys?" Potter asked eagerly, managing to tear his gaze away from Weasley's crotch for a second.  
  
A tall man in black robes rose to his feet in a fluid, graceful motion. "It would behoove you, Mr. Poofter, to take your mind off childish games for a few minutes, and pay attention to my report," he said in a smooth, silky voice sharpened by just a touch of disdainful sarcasm. "Considering that it pertains to Moldievort's plans to murder you."  
  
"That's you!" Lupin exclaimed with delight. "Wow, you look really good, Severus!"  
  
Snape was inclined to agree. The movie-Snape was tall and handsome, with long black hair that was sleek and shiny instead of greasy, a nose more aquiline than beaky, and handsome chiseled features. He wasn't quite sure whether to feel flattered or jealous of the way that Lupin was admiring his film counterpart, but was beginning to sway towards jealous until Lupin kissed him soundly and said reassuringly, "But not as good as the real thing, of course!"  
  
"That goes without saying, Lupin," Snape retorted, but he felt much better.  
  
"I can't wait to see what I look like," Lupin said eagerly.  
  
"Oh, all right," Potter--no, Poofter--sighed, pouting sulkily.  
  
"You should show proper respect to Professor Spank, Mr. Poofter," McGonagall (Minnie?) scolded.  
  
"Wait a minute!" Snape exclaimed, flattery being replaced by outrage. "My last name in this movie is 'Spank'?"  
  
"Ooh, sounds kinky!" Lupin laughed, his eyes sparkling mischievously.  
  
"Well, let's just see what your porn name turns out to be," Snape grumbled, scowling.  
  
"Severus, please give us your report," Bumblybore urged in a placating voice, and movie-Severus (Snape refused to think of his alter-ego as "Spank") began to give a long and lurid report about Death Eater meetings that seemed to consist mainly of drug-fueled orgies. Nymphomania panted and squirmed in her seat, looking even more excited than before, if that was possible, and then the camera shifted over to focus on a man who was probably supposed to be Lupin, although his hair was more blond than brown, with only a few token streaks of gray, and he was much prettier than the real Lupin, with a lithe, almost delicate boyish build, and he looked much younger and much less careworn. But he had merry eyes and a mischievous smile that reminded Snape very much of his real lover, and when the actor's lips pulled back from his teeth as he smiled, they revealed elongated canines that gave him a wolfish look.  
  
"Hey, I look pretty good if I do say so myself," Lupin said proudly. "And they did a nice job on the teeth--must have used a lengthening charm, don't you think? Unless they managed to find a real werewolf to play the role."  
  
"It's possible," Snape replied with a shrug. "People are still reluctant to hire werewolves in spite of the new legislation. A werewolf might decide that acting in a porn film is better than going hungry. And now that I think about it, werewolf stamina would certainly come in handy for such a job."  
  
Lupin grinned. "I hope we get to see some of that werewolf stamina soon!"  
  
That was likely, as the Lupin on the screen made a show of idly toying with his wand as movie-Severus spoke, his fingers stroking the wooden shaft in a distinctly suggestive manner that caused Poofter and Hermoanie to blush and giggle, and the various Weasleys to snort with choked laughter. (The twins also appeared to be discreetly groping each other under the table, so perhaps they were aroused as well as amused by the werewolf's antics.) Movie-Severus's eyes kept flicking over towards movie-Lupin, his face flushing and his voice growing a little hoarse. When Lupin gently began caressing the tip of the wand with his thumb, Severus stumbled and stuttered over his words until they turned into a garbled, incoherent babble.  
  
"Remus Lovin!" Minnie snapped, giving him a stern, schoolteacher glare. "Behave yourself!"  
  
"Remus Lovin?" Snape echoed incredulously, raising his eyebrows.  
  
"Hey, it's not as bad as 'Spank'!" Lupin teased.  
  
"I beg to differ," Snape retorted.  
  
"Shh, pay attention to the movie! I think we're getting to the good part!"  
  
A handsome, though unshaven, dark-haired man glowered at both Severus and Remus Lovin, as the latter continued to smile seductively at the former, though he left off playing with his wand. The sullen man wore a studded leather dog collar around his neck, and his robes were left open to expose his tattooed chest.  
  
"Is that the mutt?" Snape asked. "The real Black doesn't have tattoos, does he?"  
  
"No, but I guess the filmmakers thought it would be sexy," Lupin replied.  
  
"I see he has Black's winning personality, though."  
  
"Oh, just watch the movie, Severus. You ought to pay attention since you're talking again, Professor Spank."  
  
"Call me that one more time, and I just might spank _you_ , Lupin."  
  
"Is that a threat or a promise?"  
  
Meanwhile, movie-Severus finished his report with the news that Moldievort planned to use Poofter as a virgin sacrifice in some arcane magic ritual.  
  
"Well, I know a good way to solve that problem," Poofter giggled, simpering at Weasley, who stared blankly at him and said, "Huh?"  
  
"If he's no longer a virgin, then The One Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken Aloud can't use him as a sacrifice," Lovin explained patiently.  
  
"Oh," Weasley said, his eyes widening with comprehension. "I guess I can help Harry out, then...you know, do my duty as an Order member."  
  
"I'm sure that we all appreciate your sacrifice, my boy," Bumblybore said gravely, although his eyes twinkled with humor.  
  
"Come on, Ronnykins," Poofter sang out, grabbing Weasley by the hand, and the two quickly ran out of the room, presumably to deflower Poofter. Bumblybore declared the meeting adjourned and the other members began to disperse as well.  
  
"Care to Floo with me back to the school, Minnie dear?" Bumblybore asked gallantly, politely pulling back McGonagall's...Minnie's...chair for her as she rose.  
  
"Thank you, Elvis...oh!" She let out a startled cry as the old man pinched her bottom. "Why Elvis, I thought that you were gay!" she exclaimed, looking more intrigued than offended.  
  
"I am quite flexible, my dear," Bumblybore assured her, eyes twinkling. "In more ways than one."  
  
"I see," McGonagall murmured. "Perhaps you'd care to join me for a cup of tea in my quarters, then?"  
  
"It would be my pleasure, Minnie."  
  
Meanwhile, the twins were urging Hermoanie to come with them and try out their new toys. "We're working on a line of vibrating wands," Forge cajoled.  
  
"All right, and in return I'll help you study," Hermoanie said, pulling a book out of her handbag.  
  
"Not studying!" the twins groaned in chorus.  
  
"You'll like this book," Hermoanie said with a sly grin, holding it up so that the title ("Kama Sutra") was visible.  
  
"What is it, some kind of spell book?" Gred asked curiously.  
  
"Let's just say that it's a form of Muggle studies," Hermoanie purred. "I think you'll be surprised to learn that there's a few tricks that Muggles can teach wizards."  
  
Nymphomania didn't even wait for the room to clear before throwing herself at Shackledtobed, tearing at his robes and practically shoving her tongue down his throat.  
  
"Hey, you two, get a room!" Black said indignantly.  
  
"I don't see anything wrong with this one, dear cousin," Nymphomania laughed as Shackledtobed pushed her down onto the table.  
  
"Perhaps we should find somewhere more private, Severus," Lovin said with a wink, and Severus said haughtily, "Come to my laboratory, Lovin. I would like to discuss some, ah, improvements to the Wolfsbane Potion with you."  
  
The camera followed the pair to a laboratory that was not unlike Snape's real workroom. "Disrobe, Lovin," Severus ordered. "So that I may observe any physical side-effects that the potion may have had on you, of course."  
  
"Of course," Lovin replied with a knowing smirk, and began to undress in a slow, teasing manner, until Severus grew impatient and Vanished all his clothing with a flick of his wand.  
  
"That's not too far off from the truth," Lupin observed with a grin. "And hey, I seem to be pretty well-endowed!"  
  
"It's a porn film, Lupin," Snape pointed. "I think it's a rule that all the actors have to be well-endowed."  
  
"You have been a very naughty wolf today," Severus told Lovin in a silky voice. "I think I shall have to punish you." Another flick of his wand cleared the laboratory table of potion bottles and equipment, and a third had Lovin bent over the table, with his hands stretched out to the sides and bound in place with magical ropes.  
  
Lovin wriggled his arse enticingly and asked with mock-fear, "Oh no, what are you going to do to me, Severus?"  
  
The real Snape rolled his eyes and said dryly, "It seems that your counterpart was hired for his, ah, endowments rather than his acting skills. Then again, maybe it is an accurate portrayal, because you are a rather hammy actor, Lupin."  
  
"Shh!" Lupin shushed him impatiently.  
  
On the television screen, Severus was purring, "I'm going to live up to my name, Lovin." He Accioed a wooden paddle to his hand and begin to spank Lovin vigorously, hard enough to make a loud slapping sound each time the paddle hit flesh, but not hard enough to break the skin or leave welts, although it did cause Lovin's buttocks (which were rather firm and shapely, though not as nice as Lupin's, of course) to turn a becoming shade of rosy red, as if they were blushing. Lovin's loud cries and moans made it clear that he was enjoying his punishment, as did the erect state of his "endowment".  
  
"He seems to be enjoying himself," Snape said, then turned to look at Lupin, whose cheeks were flushed and lips parted slightly, his breathing shallow and hoarse. "And so do you," Snape observed, raising his eyebrows. Just to be sure, he let his hand slide over onto Lupin's lap and down to his crotch; yes, he was definitely enjoying this.  
  
Lupin blushed and smiled at Snape almost sheepishly. "I never found the idea of spanking to be very sexy, but I must admit that watching this is rather titillating."  
  
Actually, Snape was finding it rather titillating himself, although his years with the Death Eaters had left him with little taste for inflicting pain on others. But the spanking was obviously more playful than painful, and everyone involved seemed to be having a good time.  
  
"Do you want me to spank you?" Snape teased Lupin, but he wasn't sure what he would do if Lupin actually said "yes".  
  
"Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure," Lupin replied. "It seems like one of those things that's more titillating in fantasy than in reality."  
  
Relieved, Snape pulled Lupin into his arms and murmured, "Well, shall we just enjoy the movie, then?"  
  
"Yes," Lupin agreed, and they began to kiss and grope, only half-paying attention to the screen until movie-Severus took off his robes to reveal his nude body. (Apparently no one in porn films ever wore any underwear, at least judging by this movie.)  
  
"You're very well-endowed, too!" Lupin exclaimed.  
  
"The movie me or the real me?" Snape asked dryly, and Lupin grinned.  
  
"Both of you," he replied diplomatically, and they resumed their groping, paying a little more attention to the screen. Movie-Severus scooped a handful of something slippery-looking out of a nearby cauldron, coating himself with it liberally, and then preparing Lovin with his still-slick fingers as the camera zoomed in for a close-up.  
  
"Ooh, you make the best lube, Professor Spank!" Lovin moaned.  
  
"They don't call me Potions 'Master' for nothing," Severus replied with a cocky grin, then pulled out his fingers and began to thrust into a very eager and willing Lovin. Snape was just about to suggest to Lupin that they turn off the video and retire to the bed, when suddenly the door to the laboratory burst open and Black stormed in.  
  
"Sirius!" Lovin gasped.  
  
"How dare the two of you act out your perversions in my house?!" he demanded.  
  
"Why, are you jealous?" Severus smirked.  
  
"Do you know how long it's been since I got laid?" Black complained. "I was in a solitary cell in Azkaban, and now I'm stuck here all alone except for the bloody house-elf, and even I'm not that desperate...yet."  
  
"Couldn't we help him out, Severus?" Lovin asked with a languid smile. "A threesome's always been a fantasy of mine, and I know you have a thing for canines..."  
  
Severus's wand was suddenly in his hand, although he hadn't had it a minute ago, and he conjured up a leash that attached itself to Black's collar. He yanked on it, pulling Black forward until they were only a few inches apart, and asked silkily, "So, do you like to do it doggy style...?"  
  
Snape abruptly pushed Lupin away from him and jumped to his feet, demanding, "How do you turn this thing off?!" While Lupin grabbed the remote control and tried to find the right buttons to stop the video, Snape stomped over to the nightstand and rang the little silver bell as viciously as he could, although it only rang out with an unsatisfying little tinkle. Still, a few moments later, the door opened a crack, and Hana's voice asked, "Is there something you require, sirs?"  
  
"Get in here!" Snape shouted, while Lupin tried to calm him down.  
  
"Really, Severus, there's no need to get so angry. It's only a silly movie..."  
  
"Is something wrong, sir?" Hana asked, looking distressed. "If our service has been unsatisfactory in any way, we shall do our best to remedy the situation."  
  
"The problem is this," Snape said, holding up the video cover.  
  
"Ah, 'Orgy of the Phoenix,' one of our most popular titles," Hana said. "Was it not to your liking? I can send over some other videos for you to choose from."  
  
"No, it was not to my liking!" Snape snapped.  
  
"Well, actually it was, until the part where Sirius showed up," Lupin interrupted.  
  
Snape glared at him. "That is not the point, Lupin," he snarled, then turned back to Hana. "Did you leave this video here on purpose to mock us?"  
  
Hana gave him a puzzled look. "It was left here on purpose, but not to mock you, sir. The two of you are British, so we made sure to have a selection of films in both English and Japanese to choose from. And it is a very popular title, amongst both our foreign and local guests. Did it offend you in some way? If so, I most humbly apologize."  
  
"Offend me?" Snape asked sarcastically. "To be parodied in a pornographic film? Why on earth should I be offended?"  
  
Hana stared at him in confusion, and he wondered if sarcasm was wasted on a paper doll until she asked, "Parodied? Were you a member of the real Order of the Phoenix?"  
  
Now it was Snape's turn to stare in confusion. "You mean that you don't know who we are?"  
  
"It is our policy not to ask for names, in order to preserve our clients' privacy," Hana replied. "All transactions are either in cash or transferred through a third party account in order to preserve anonymity."  
  
"Even for regular customers?" Lupin asked curiously.  
  
Hana nodded. "Each customer is assigned a unique account number, so that we may keep track of financial transactions and personal preferences, but no names are ever attached to an account. We take our duty to respect the privacy of our clientele very seriously. Your own account states only that it belongs to two British gentlemen who have made no special requests as of yet."  
  
"Well, I am Remus Lupin and this is Severus Snape, and we were, as Severus said, members of the original Order," Lupin kindly told the ofuda-maid.  
  
Hana's eyes went round with shock and excitement; even though she was only an enchanted paper doll, she had a remarkably life-like semblance, and Snape wondered if she really was invested with a spark of real personality. If so, her creator must be an incredibly powerful and skilled mage, and Snape wondered why he or she was wasting his talents creating servants for a love hotel. He mentally shrugged; perhaps the love hotel industry paid very well.  
  
"You mean that you're the Master and Wolf?!" Hana exclaimed.  
  
"Excuse me?" Snape asked incredulously.  
  
Hana blushed prettily. "Forgive me," she said, lowering her eyes sheepishly. "But you are famous in the Japanese magical press as the Potions Master who created the Wolfsbane Potion for his beloved Wolf."  
  
"I think I need to have a word with Kamiyama-sensei," Snape said in a low, dangerous growl.  
  
"Now, now," Lupin said, patting his arm soothingly. "I'm sure that Naoto didn't mean any harm."  
  
"Kamiyama-sensei felt very guilty about taking sole credit for the potion all these years," Hana said earnestly. "So as soon it was no longer necessary to preserve your cover as a spy, he gave many interviews to the press explaining how you collaborated on the potion, and how the real breakthrough was due to your research. Also, some of the tengu who participated in the final battle spoke of their adventures when they returned to Japan."  
  
"Karasu gave interviews to the papers about the battle?" Snape demanded, thinking that he was going to have to have a word with the crow, too.  
  
"Oh no, sir!" Hana hastily demurred. "Lord Karasu never gives interviews to the press, but he did make a formal report to the Wizards' Council, and part of that was released to the public. And some of his younger soldiers were perhaps a little indiscreet, and told tales of the battle to some of their human friends over a cup--well, probably many cups--of sake. And..."  
  
"And so an exaggerated and distorted picture of the Order emerged in the minds of the general public," Snape finished in a tone of weary resignation. "It's nice to know that the Daily Prophet isn't the only tabloid in the wizarding world."  
  
"You seem to know quite a lot about us, so I'm surprised that you didn't recognize us even though we never gave you our names," Lupin said pleasantly.  
  
Hana blushed again. "Oh, it's just that I've heard the customers and the hotel staff talking about it, but I've never seen any pictures of you, though there probably were some photos printed in the newspaper articles. But perhaps I should have recognized Professor Snape--he's said to have strong and noble features, like a tengu."  
  
Snape glared at Lupin, who was making a not very successful attempt to stifle a fit of giggles. "Meaning I have a big nose," he said icily.  
  
"Oh, I am so sorry; I did not mean to offend you, sir!" Hana exclaimed. "The tengu consider a large nose to be a very attractive feature."  
  
"I happen to find a large nose very attractive, too," Lupin said, grinning and winking at Snape, before turning back to address Hana. "But you can understand that we were a little, er...disconcerted...to find ourselves appearing as characters in a pornographic film."  
  
"I am so sorry!" Hana cried. "If I had known who you were, I would never have left that video in your room, but ignorance is no excuse." She knelt down on the floor in the most formal and humble form of apology, placing her palms flat on the floor and bowing her head down between them. "Please accept my deepest apologies for this inexcusable blunder."  
  
Snape heaved a sigh. Now he felt guilty about making the poor girl grovel, even though she was only a paper doll and didn't have any real feelings...probably. No doubt he was going soft after hanging around the werewolf too much. "Please raise your head," he sighed, and Hana looked up at him anxiously. "I was only offended when I assumed that the slight was intentional," Snape said gruffly. "But clearly it was only a misunderstanding and no one was at fault."  
  
Hana smiled in relief and said, "Thank you, sir; you are much too kind. Would you like me to replace the video with another? We have an extensive list to choose from, and I can promise that none of the others are about the Order."  
  
"No, I've had enough of videos for awhile," Snape said hastily.  
  
"But you must allow us to recompense you in some way," Hana insisted, and Lupin whispered something into her ear. She smiled and said, "I will see to it at once, sir. Once again, please accept my most sincere and profound apologies."  
  
She bowed deeply and turned to exit the room, but something that she had said earlier belatedly registered with Snape, and he called out, "Just one more thing!"  
  
"Yes, sir?" Hana asked, turning to face him.  
  
"You said that this video was one of your most popular titles," Snape said, suddenly filled with a feeling of dread. "Does that mean that it's in wide circulation?"  
  
"I'm afraid so," Hana replied apologetically.  
  
"Do you mean here or back home in Britain?" Lupin asked.  
  
"Both," Hana replied, to Snape's dismay. "I don't know all the details, but I believe that a Japanese company put up most of the funding and commissioned the film from a British production company that wrote the actual script and filmed the movie. It's my understanding that the British company is allowed to market the video in their own country, while the Japanese company retains exclusive distribution rights in Asia."  
  
"You mean people back home are watching this trash?" Snape groaned, wondering how he would ever live down the humiliation.  
  
"If it's any consolation, I believe that it's mostly a small underground market since the British wizarding world has been resistant to Muggle technology," Hana tried to reassure him.  
  
"I don't suppose there's any way we can get these taken out of circulation?" Lupin asked, his expression torn between amusement and dismay.  
  
"I can put in a request to hotel management that we remove them from our personal collection, but as for stopping the sale of the videos...I'm afraid that we have no control over that," Hana apologized. "You could file a lawsuit in court, I suppose, alleging slander or libel."  
  
"That would only draw more public attention to it," Snape grumbled.  
  
"And probably make it even more popular," Lupin added, not very helpfully. Snape glared at him as if it were all his fault, but Lupin just laughed and said, "It's probably better to just leave well enough alone. People will get bored soon enough and move on to something else."  
  
"I suppose so," Snape grumbled, and Hana bowed once again and left. "I just hate the idea of people fantasizing about us having sex," Snape continued. "And I _really_ hate that anyone would think we'd ever have a threesome with the mutt!" He shuddered in revulsion, and Lupin chuckled.  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure that Sirius would be just as horrified as you."  
  
"No, it doesn't," Snape said sulkily.  
  
"Hmm, I wonder why Branwen wasn't in the movie?" Lupin wondered.  
  
"Well, there are all those rumors about her being able to summon demons, and even being part demon herself," Snape reminded him. "The filmmakers were probably afraid that they'd be killed very slowly and painfully if she ever found out that she was a character in a porn video." Snape scowled. "Although it is rather insulting that they weren't afraid that _I'd_ kill them if I found out. Which I did, and I may. Kill them, that is."  
  
"Now, now, Severus, it's not worth going to Azkaban over," Lupin said placatingly. "And in a way, it is rather flattering. Your double was very good-looking and well-endowed, remember?" Lupin grinned. "Perhaps we need to add 'Slytherin Sex God' as well as 'Potions Master' to your list of titles."  
  
"Ha ha, very funny, Lupin," Snape said sourly. Just then, the door opened and Hana returned, wheeling in a cart that held a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice, a large bowl of fresh strawberries, and bowls of whipped cream and melted chocolate. And also two small paintbrushes.  
  
"Compliments of the hotel, to apologize for the unfortunate incident," Hana said, bowing. "Is there anything else that I can get you?"  
  
"No, this will be fine," Lupin replied. "Thank you, Hana." Snape found that his mood had suddenly improved, and he nodded his agreement, to Hana's obvious relief. She bowed one last time and exited the room, leaving them alone once more.  
  
Snape examined the champagne bottle and said approvingly, "A very nice vintage." He popped the cork with a tap of his wand, and poured out two glasses. He handed one to Lupin, then raised his own.  
  
"To us," he said. "Just us, with no toys or videos. Perhaps I'm being prudish, but I think that I can do without the extra amenities, after all."  
  
"With the possible exception of a little chocolate and whipped cream?" Lupin asked, his eyes twinkling with mischief.  
  
Snape pretended to ponder the question for a moment, then replied in a low, silky voice, "Yes, I think I can make an exception for that." He was pleased to note that Lupin flushed in a way that he hadn't for the silky-voiced Snape-impostor in the movie.  
  
"To us, then, the very vanilla couple," Lupin said huskily, clinking his glass against Snape's. "With a bit of strawberries, cream, and chocolate for variety."  
  
They drank to that toast, and a few moments later, Snape silently added champagne-laced kisses to that list. He made a mental note to skip the videos next time, and go straight to the room-service menu. Which was the last coherent thought he had before Lupin's kisses and caresses left him feeling as light and bubbly as the champagne itself...

**Author's Note:**

> Photos of Lupin's souvenirs (Totoro from My Neighbor Totoro and Jiji from Kiki's Delivery Service) can be found on the [LJ version](http://geri-chan.livejournal.com/25815.html) of the story.


End file.
